Heisler: Happy New Year, or not, from our NBA favorites

first_imgJeanie — You were the one who said you’d quit if you didn’t turn this around in three or four years.Jim — Like I really meant it.Kobe Bryant — You know, my legs are feeling better than they have in years.Luke Walton — That’s because you’re not playing. Besides, we stress passing these days.Kobe — Oh, right. Forget I said anything. Phil Jackson, Knick president — Even if Jeanie and I are no longer an item, I still care about the Lakers. As someone charged with resurrecting a franchise that’s once again in a playoff slot, I suggest you do what I did … find one in the East.Doc Rivers — We’re going to keep on keeping on. What’s the problem?Chris Paul — My hamstring hurts.Blake Griffin — I wish all I had was a hamstring that hurt. As one of the few people who had a worse year than Hillary Clinton, I vow not to do a single thing I did again.DeAndre Jordan — I will keep working on my free throw shooting [CRASH!] I will keep working on my free throw shooting. [BAM!]J.J. Redick — We only have two starters who space the floor and I’m the one who’ll be a free agent. Next year I’ll be making $15 million per or they’ll be down to one.Luc Mbah a Moute — I’m the starting small forward, meaning I’m good for 6.4 points a game. Nice work if you can get it.Steve Ballmer — Not that I’m concerned but $2 billion here, $2 billion there, the next thing you know you’re talking about real money.Donald T. Sterling — I told you it’s harder than it looks. Thanks for the payday, big guy.LeBron James, Cavaliers — I resolve to continue my relentless pursuit of Michael Jordan, even if I knock off for a game here and there, like the ones between Monday and Friday.Michael Jordan, Hornets owner — As if. I won six titles and played all 82 games when I was 39. You’ve only got three titles even if you start resting for the Finals in December.Bron — We’re in the East. If I played 82, we’d sew up the No. 1 seed by the All-Star break.Russell Westbrook, Thunder — Even when you press people are kissing my feet, you do it wrong. I’m not answering any more questions about my triple-doubles, our record, my turnovers and, especially, Kevin Durant. I’m willing to talk about my fashion choices and endorsements.Dwight Howard, Hawks — I finally found the right team! I resolve never to go anywhere with someone like Kobe or James Harden or Paul Millsap. Oops. Scratch that last one.Dwyane Wade, Bulls — I should have taken a little less money to stay in Miami. Whatever our problems, frostbite wasn’t one of them.Pat Riley, Heat president — I should have given Dwyane the money. Hey, we were going to have to start over one of these years, anyway.Besides, there’s a lot of untapped potential out there.DeMarcus Cousins, Kings — Who you calling untapped?Not that I’m talking to writers from Southern California… or the Sacramento Bee… or Cowbell Kingdom… or anyone else as long until you leave this dressing room.Vivek Ranadive, Kings owner — Of course, you’re not untapped. You’re (ital)complex(endital) and (ital)misunderstood(endital). Actually, the best word for you is (ital)meshugeh(endital) which is Yiddish for, uh… colorful!Nevertheless, I must discipline you again. Please put $1 in the swear box and try not to threaten any more local writers. They’re running out of people willing to cover our games.Cousins — Who are you again, shorty, one of the Seven Dwarfs? Say, Dopey?Ranadive — I’m the guy who pays your salary. I might add I was a giant in the computer business and an ace coaching my daughter’s seventh grade basketball team.Cousins — Oh, right. You’re the doofus I work for, at least until I force you to trade me.Ranadive — Never happen.Cousins — Want to bet? I’ve got teams lined up from here to Boston who think I’m just misunderstood.Ranadive — Hey, we’re in a playoff slot now. What could go wrong?Joe Lacob, Warriors owner — People got upset when I said we were “light-years” ahead of the other teams but I was just speaking the truth. We were until we blew out a tire with that 3-1 lead in the Finals.Kevin Durant, Warriors — Not that I came to finally win a title… but there’s no way we miss this year, is there, Draymond?Draymond Green, Warriors — Hey, I’ve got to be me, even if that meant getting suspended for Game 5 in the Finals when we blew that 3-1 lead.If anything goes wrong this time, we can go get DeMarcus Cousins. He told me he’d love to be here, too. And now, New Year’s resolutions from the NBA family:Jim Buss — On behalf of myself and my sister, we wish you a healthy and prosperous New Year and assure you we’ll continue working together to restore Laker greatness!Jeanie Buss — Not so fast there, Jimbo.Jim — What’s your problem? Dad said I could have this job!center_img Newsroom GuidelinesNews TipsContact UsReport an Errorlast_img read more

Spurs fans face travel hell for Leipzig tie with no direct flights to east Germany

first_imgTOTTENHAM fans were probably chuffed to bits to get RB Leipzig in the Champions League last 16 but their journey to Germany will be far from simple.Fans may no longer have to suffer the days of Europa League trips to far-flung corners of the continent and yet this tie is also not ideal travel-wise.2 Tottenham fans face a logistical nightmare trying to get to Leipzig for the Champions League last-16 clashThere are no direct flights from London airports to the eastern German city, requiring either an additional plane or train journey.This has created a conundrum for those hoping to watch the second leg after the sides were drawn together on Monday.Skyscanner recommends catching the 12.15pm flight from Heathrow on the day of the game, Tuesday March 10.Travelling via Dusseldorf over three hours, passengers land in Leipzig at 4.45pm – in time for the 9pm kick-off at Red Bull Arena, and can fly back the same way for £248.For the cheaper £158, a return via Cologne can be sorted that leaves at 5.35pm on the Wednesday and takes just over four hours.Such a lack of direct flights might compel supporters to fly into the nearby cities of Berlin or Dresden and complete their journey via train.2 The impressive Red Bull Arena, built for the 2006 World Cup, will await Spurs fans – if they can get thereCredit: Getty – ContributorSeveral flights from England land in the German capital every day and cost around £99 return, at time of writing.A train hop over to Leipzig will take less than 90 minutes, in addition to the one hour 50 minute flight and the connection to the train station.That will set you back around £20 per journey with a coach at just under £10 – but taking two-and-a-half hours.The historic city of Dresden is even closer, taking just over an hour on the train for the same price.latest champions league newsREF RELEASEDChampions League ref Vincic released by cops after arrest in prostitution raidREF RAIDChampions League ref Vincic ‘arrested in raid into drugs and prostitution ring’CITY SITUATIONChampions Lg & Europa Lg to be played in ONE host city from quarters onwardREDS TEST2005 Champions League final quiz – How well do you remember Istanbul 15 years on?CRYING SHAMEPoch couldn’t stop crying after CL final as he talks for first time since axeEUR JOKINGCity, Chelsea & Man U’s dreams in jeopardy as govt impose quarantine on arrivalsRevealedLUK RAN OUTLukaku says he will NEVER forgive Chelsea flop AVB for 2012 Champ League axeRevealedRUSSIAN ROULETTEMan Utd’s 2008 Champions League Moscow heroes and where they are nowBut while flying over on the day of the game is an option costing as little as £80 on current rates, there are no direct returns to London until Thursday.In any case, unless the club lay on their own charter flights, travelling supporters will need to wait until the Wednesday to return.Finally, completing the journey from Tottenham to Leipzig via car will take at least ten hours but will take fans on a sightseeing tour through scenic locales such as Gent, Antwerp and Dortmund. Tottenham coach Jose Mourinho says everyone has the same chances in the first knockout round of the Champions Leaguelast_img read more